By SUIVIO on 2:07 PM
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Saturday + Sunday = Sports. Learn this equation
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
14. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
16. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
17. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
19. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
20. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
21. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
22. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
23. You have enough clothes.
24. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.25. Nothing says, "I love you" like sex.
Type: The Lagging Mystic
Characteristics: This is the guy you met at Burning Man or Reggae on the River who you run into occasionally at the coffee shop or natural food store. Most of your hippie friends have assured you he’s a kind soul, but while he’s exploring the nature of the cosmos with a mellow sister he just met, you’re sitting at home getting hassled by customers you said you’d hook up three hours ago. The Lagging Mystic will teach you that patience is a virtue.
Appearance: Most Mystics under forty have dreadlocks and Rasta-themed clothing, whereas mystics over forty wear sandals and tie-dye. Hemp clothing is mandatory for both.
Pros: Always has the best outdoor organic at reasonable prices.
Cons: Lacks a linear conception of time, does not believe in urgency and has no phone.
Warning: Requires an open mind, schedule, and the ability to listen to long, dragging accounts of his most recent spiritual awakening or communion with the most high.
Calls his weed: Medicine, Herb, Sacrament.
Catchphrase: “This strain of herb, brethren, has been blessed by shaman, Jerry, and the Most High.”
Type: Lord of the Schwag
Characteristics: This guy might be a Mexican gangster, an old hippie who complains that “pot is just too strong these days,” or anyone more concerned with profit than reputation. His weed is often vacuum-sealed and squeezed into rock-hard chunks from its journey out of British Columbia or Mexico. It may have been grown with chemicals and pesticides labeled “for use on ornamental plants only.” It also may have suffered frostbite, premature harvest, or a little too much time crated up in some mafia goon’s basement, giving it that aroma you normally associate with your grandma’s rest home.
Appearance: The Schwag Lord takes many forms.
Pros: If you have the right type of clientele, you can make a lot of money with this guy.
Cons: Your friends will make fun of you.
Warning: Smoking mold causes lung infections.
Calls his weed: Product, B-grade, Work.
Catchphrase: “Don’t be fooled by the look, taste and smell—it’s fuckin’ stony.”
Type: The Rip-Off Artist
Characteristics: Chances are, you’ve known this guy less than an hour. He calls you bro and appears to have all the same opinions and interests that you do. His eyes dart around a lot, and he never actually looks at you, but he seems cool. If you just chill out at his bro’s house, or around the corner, he’ll be back in fifteen minutes.
Appearance: White T-shirt, backwards baseball cap, small, cheap gold chain. Crooked teeth and meth sores are optional, but without fail sports a ponytail.
Pros: If he’s a large-scale Rip-Off artist, he may actually hook you up with a good deal the first time so he can gain your trust. He also helps rid you of any naïveté, any ideas that if you show people trust and respect they’ll do the same, that you may still cling to.
Cons: This one’s a no-brainer. And don’t think you can find him and get your money back, because he won’t have it. His mom is still trying to get that dime bag he promised her a few years back.
Warning: Check for ponytail. Unless it is accompanied by a beard or other hippie accoutrements, do not give him your money.
Calls his weed: Chronic nuggets.
Catchphrase: “Hey bro, lookin’ for any chronic nuggets?”
Type: The Weed Snob
Characteristics: This guy was annoying back in high school, and he’s even more annoying now that you have to buy weed from him. No matter what strain you have, it never seems to be good enough for him to smoke. Says things like, “I’m really in more of a Jack Herer mood right now,” or “You look like a Big Bud kind of guy.” Also uses terms like “bouquet,” “aroma” and “woody aftertaste.”
Appearance: An air of smug superiority and vague disgust surrounds him. Wears that stupid 1998 Cannabis Cup Judge T-shirt every day.
Pros: Always has the best weed in town at any given time.
Cons: Rarely has anything for sale since “there’s nothing worth buying.” And you can be damn sure it won’t be cheap if he does.
Warning: Use extreme caution when matching bowls with the Weed Snob. Only European strains are recommended. If the Weed Snob catches you in possession of anything you bought from The Schwag Lord, mockery, and in some extreme cases, violence, may ensue.
Calls his weed: Grade A Smoke, The Good Stuff.
Catchphrase: “Eww…how can you even smoke this? What is this, Mex?"
Type: The Gangster
Characteristics: Once the Rip-Off artist realizes that sometimes you can make more consistent money by actually hooking people up rather than ripping them off, he becomes The Gangster. You still don’t really know him that well, but you’re pretty sure he has connections to organized crime, and sells a lot more than just weed.
Appearance: The Gangster does not believe in saving money, spending it on his illegitimate children, or welfare family. Therefore, with the exception of strippers and cocaine, The Gangster spends all his money on gold chains, watches, athletic clothes, and other forms of bling.
Pros: Has great, reliable deals on commercial stuff. Can help you out with any other illegal goods or services you may want.
Cons: He’s on probation, the cops are probably watching him, and bigger fish periodically rob him. And when he gets hard up for cash, he robs the weed cutsies first.
Warning: Small bills anger him.
Calls his weed: Trees, Product, The Stuff.
Catchphrase: “Hey what the fuck did I tell you about tens, bitch?”
Type: Mr. Paranoia
Characteristics: The guy’s a total sketcher. Phone conversations with him involve so many pointless code words and jargon that you both hang up with only vague ideas about what the other was trying to say. In person, he whispers any words that might be considered incriminating, and flips out if you forget to follow one of the bizarre rules he’s given you, or one he just made up, or if his brain chemistry is off that day.
Appearance: An aura of shadiness surrounds him. The brim of his hat always seems to cover his beady, darting eyes. In a lineup with the other nine Types, he’d be the easiest to identify as a drug dealer.
Pros: Mr. Paranoia is your bright warning beacon. Is this the kind of life you want to lead?
Cons: Paranoia, as the saying goes, is contagious. Hanging out with this guy outside of work will shorten your life expectancy.
Warning: At first, you and your friends might just think he’s really clever. He’s not.
Calls his weed: Those movies you wanted, the new Green Day CD, that one thing we talked about last Wednesday except this time three quarters of it is brown cow status and another half is on the high end of the Red Baron’s lawnmower.
Catchphrase: “Are you sure that old lady sleeping on the bench across the street from your apartment is chill? Was that a siren? Do you hear helicopters?”
Type: Mr. Medical
Characteristics: This lucky son of bitch has a license to grow, and possess, more weed than he could ever smoke. Depending on where you live and how strict the laws are, Mr. Medical may actually have a condition that can only be treated by cannabis. Most likely, however, he was just smart enough to work the system. As a result, he has the cheapest, freshest weed around every three months or so. Though seeing Mr. Medi’s grow room stirs feelings of jealousy in you, it also makes you want to quit hustling and grow your own crop.
Appearance: Mr. Medi may have a wheelchair, crutches, or another physical ailment, but there’s always a grin on his face.
Pros: Cheap weed, the chance to use a vaporizer, and the possibility that if you hang around him long enough he’ll designate you as his caretaker.
Cons: Sometimes Mr. Medical forgets that just because it’s currently relatively legal for him to grow and possess it, that doesn’t make it legal for him to sell it to you. He refuses to be discrete about anything, ever, and occasionally teases you about being paranoid.
Warning: May show up on your doorstep with a transparent turkey bag full of medicine slung over his shoulder.
Calls his weed: Medicine, what else?
Catchphrase: “It’s just a plant, man. Don’t worry so much.”
Type: The Street Kid
Characteristics: You remember this guy—you bought your first bag from him. Or, you may have utilized his services while vacationing in a strange new city. In any case, while you were watching Saturday morning cartoons and eating mom’s special blueberry pancakes, this kid was on the street, hustling. When he’s not in Juvie or a halfway home, he’s on the corner pushing dime bags as fast as you can smoke them.
Appearance: Wears pants so big you can’t tell if he’s got shoes, but you can sure as hell see every inch of his boxer shorts. Wears the same ratty hoodie and low-slung backpack every day.
Pros: He’s all over the world, in every city, and he always introduces himself.
Cons: Some of his bags are a bit skimpy, but do you really want to call him on it? He hasn’t eaten all day! Also, after having his pockets and backpack searched every week by the cops, you don’t even want to know where he keeps his weed now…
Warning: CHECK FOR PONYTAIL! Do not be fooled by a Rip-Off Artist in disguise.
Calls his weed: Every name you’ve heard of, plus a few you haven’t.
Catchphrase: “Weedsmoke! Bud for sale! Need some herb, dude?”
Type: The Walking Party/Bust Waiting to Happen
Characteristics: This guy keeps a high profile. There are at least ten people in his apartment/dorm at all times, usually drunk. Since he knows every dealer in town, as they’ve all been to a party at his house at some point, he usually has good herb for a good price. Snowboarding trips and concerts aside, he’s always home, so if you don’t mind waiting in line to buy weed he’s not a bad guy to know.
Appearance: You’ve never seen him without shorts, sandals, slitty sunglasses, and a beer in his hand. He frequently wears Hawaiian shirts and visor caps as well.
Pros: He’s fun to hang out with, and his pad is a great place to make connections.
Cons: It’s also a great place to make unwanted connections.
Warning: Since the entire apartment complex knows this guy is a dealer, it’s only a matter of time before a sleep-deprived neighbor rats him out and he gets busted. Don’t be there when it happens.
Calls his weed: Chron-chron, Chrizon, Doj.
Catchphrase: “Hey-haaay! Whatuuup, dogger!”
Type: Johnny Dependable
Characteristics: This is the guy you want to know. He’s got a strong work ethic and such a low profile that you may already know him. However, you’ll probably have to be in the weed circuit for a while before he reveals himself as a professional pot dealer. He would’ve been great at any number of professions, but somehow he got into dealing weed and still hasn’t found a comparable way to make his money legally. If you’re a dealer, learn from him.
Appearance: Nondescript, unassuming. He probably looks like “the boy next door.”
Pros: This guy has weed nine out of ten times when you call him, and he somehow always manages to fit you into his schedule later that day. Never flakes on you or tries to act important.
Cons: His deals are always good, but rarely exceptional. He’s a shrewd businessman trying to make a profit and his prices reflect that.
Warning: Just because Johnny Dependable is always there for you doesn’t mean you should get rid of your other dealers’ phone numbers. Unlike some of the other Types, this guy is capable of success outside of the weed game, and when he graduates he may leave you high and dry.
Calls his weed: Weed.
Catchphrase: “See you in ten minutes.”
By SUIVIO on 8:58 PM
By SUIVIO on 1:31 PM
More Hide and Sneak
When you think of sneaky you usually think of something that is secret or hidden from you. Actually, the most common sneaky-use application is hiding your valuable belongings from others.
* Hollowed-out candle
* Tissue container
* Trash container base
* Video or audio cassette shell
* Watch case
* Inner pocket
* DVD case
* Between magazine pages
* Inside a candy box
* Ironing board padding
* Bag within a bag
Source & Picture: Sneakier Uses For Everyday Things
I myself would forget about the DVD/CD case idea (as well as VHS and video game cases). If kids are breaking in, they love to scoop those things up to sell for quick cash.
More Ideas For Hiding Things
* Store items in food containers to keep in the fridge, pantry or freezer. This only works well if you regularly have a lot of items and containers for them to go through.
* Cut a hole behind a floor baseboard and stash valuables in there. Make sure that the baseboard is back in place perfectly.
* Pull off the rubber ends on the ironing board leg and voila! a tube for hiding.
* Money envelope hidden behind or tucked up inside wall calendars.
* Feminine Napkin or Tampon Boxes (keep them full of product).
* Inside rolls of toilet paper, the bottom ones kept stacked in packaging.
* A toy box filled with toys.
* Fill a sock and put in the dirty clothes hamper.
* ‘False’ Shampoo or hairspray bottles (just clean and empty a used bottle–not a clear plastic one!)
* Spice & herb bottles: empty out and wash well, paint glue all over the inside then fill the bottle with spices again. Dump whatever the glue didn’t hold. You want the spice bottle to look like it’s full of spice. Fill the bottle with valuables in a plastic bag once the glue and spices are completely dried.
* Used deodorant stick containers and toothpaste tubes (cut the end, clean well, roll up).
* If you’re handy, build a false ceiling, wall or floor in a small room.
* In amongst the Christmas decorations
* Buy two cheap, thin identical floor mats, glue together but leave a pocket edge open to tuck money envelopes in. Seal the pocket with double sided tape.
* If you live in a warm climate where it doesn’t freeze over winter–bury your stash in the backyard
Places That Aren’t Really Safe To Hide Things
* The master bedroom. Everyone stores their valuables in there.
* The medicine cabinet. Thieves typically love prescription pills.
* Inside and under dresser drawers. Too common.
* Underneath mattresses and along bed frames. Again, too common.
* Bedroom closets and clothes pockets–one of the first places to ransack.
* A locked fire safe or locked briefcase–both can be picked up and left with to be broken into somewhere else. If you have a safe, make sure it’s bolted down tight.
A Good Idea
* Have a ’secret’ jewelry box or box of some kind sitting on the dresser or tucked away in a dresser drawer. Put some cash in there and cheap jewelry, maybe even a small key that doesn’t open anything. This is your decoy and will hopefully let the thief think he found the stash he’s looking for. Have it full of ‘junk’ that looks valuable, the more the better.
Also have a few different hiding spots. That way not everything will be stolen if only one or two spots are found.
Did You Know
* Some thieves break into homes looking for spare keys to the house, garage and car to steal or break into later? Don’t leave spare keys in an obvious place.
Wherever you hide your stash–keep it to yourself & make sure to remember where it is!
Not everyone is aware of what peroxide can do. Here's how you can maximize your own little brown bottle.
Peroxide was invented during World War II to help army troops in their various needs. Nowadays, this same chemical can be bought in almost any drugstore for as low as one dollar! However, not everyone is familiar with the uses and benefits one can get from a cheap bottle of peroxide.
I took the liberty of researching on this topic. Below are some of the less known but definitely great ways to maximize that small bottle resting in your medicine cabinet!
1. Heal wounds and infections by soaking the affected area in peroxide from five to ten minutes. Do this several times a day for better and faster results.
2. Kill fungus on your feet by spraying a mixture (fifty percent peroxide and fifty percent water) of peroxide and water on them everyday. Don't wipe with cloth, just let it dry.
3. Rather than keeping your toothbrush in your bathroom cabinets, soak it in a cup of peroxide. This will kill bacteria and germs that may have accumulated due to residues from your teeth.
4. Use peroxide as mouthwash. Take one capful and gargle for about five to ten minutes. You'll be surprised to see whiter teeth and sore-less gums.
5. Following the same idea as with your toothbrush, peroxide can also be used as a spray cleaner for countertops and tabletops. You may also put a small amount on a dishrag and wipe it on the surfaces to kill bacteria and germs.
6. Spray a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water into your nostrils whenever you have colds or blocked sinus. Hold it for a few minutes and then blow your nose into a tissue. Peroxide kills the bacteria that cause colds, coughs, flu, and sinus infections.
7. Use peroxide as a pain-reliever! If you're suffering from toothache and the dentist is still several miles away, gargle peroxide for about ten minutes several times. This shall lessen the pain and give you ample time to get to the dentist without having to suffer more.
8. Half a bottle of peroxide mixed with your bath can cure mild and recurring skin infections such as rashes, boils and fungus
9. Use peroxide as a substitute for bleach. Apply a small amount on stains or mix with your laundry to whiten clothes.
10. Clean your mirrors with peroxide! You'll love the smudge and smear-free surface!
By SUIVIO on 8:46 PM
Past work experience:
- Ran for congress and lost.
- Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
- Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas, company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
- Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using tax-payer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago Cubs.
- With fathers help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.
Accomplishments- Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union. Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money. Set record for most executions by any Governor in American history.
- Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my fathers appointments to the Supreme Court.
- Attacked and took over two countries.
- Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
- Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
- Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.
- Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
- First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
- First president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.
- First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history.
- After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in US history.
- Set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips than any other president in US history.
- In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
- Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in US history.
- Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12 month period.
- Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.
- Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
- Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in US history.
- Presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
- Presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
- Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
- Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
- Dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.
- My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history.
- Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (the 'poorest' multi-millionaire, Condoleeza Rice has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
- First president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
- Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
- First president in US history to order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
- Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
- Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in US history.
- First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights commission.
- First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the elections monitoring board.
- Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.
- Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
- Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
- Refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
- First president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US elections).
- All-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
- My biggest life-time campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
- Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.
- First president in US history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
- First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
- First US president to establish a secret shadow government.
- Took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).
- With a policy of 'dis-engagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
- Fist US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
- First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
- Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
- Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
- Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'.
- Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
- In the 18 months following the 911 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
- Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.
- In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war.
- Entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
- At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
- AWOL from National Guard and Deserted the military during a time of war.
- Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
- All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.
- All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.
- All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.
- Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public review.
- For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)
At least two people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
At least fifteen people in this world love you in some way.
The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
You mean the world to someone.
If not for you, someone may not be living.
You are special and unique.
There is someone that you don't even know exists, who loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely
turned your back on the world.
When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
In the high-pressure world of professional sport, team-mates are bound to bond with one another.
All those hours spent together in the showers and receiving rubdowns, is it any wonder that these masculine hunks tend to occasionally get a little too close?
As with everything on the internet, such moments have a name: SPORNO
Sporno is that split second in time when a photographer captures two strapping athletes becoming one.
Here are 20 Sporno moments that will make you want to get physical.
20. Two basketball players both straining to make the rim
19. Another stiff performance by Lampard in an England shirt.
18. "2-4-6-8, guess who this guy appreciates"
17. "Just stand still a moment, while I kiss you on the mouth"
16. Don Nelson clearly still has a few moves up his sleeve
15. "No, I'm telling you. That guy behind isn't watching us"
14. So it's not just Brooke that's sucking the Hulkster dry
13. "I'm sorry..."
12. Sunk into Phil's hole in one
11. "Hey Senor, form an orderly queue"
10. As is often the way, one guy is enjoying himself way more than the other
8. We've all uncorked too soon at least once in our lives
7. What happens when an innocent game of Twister goes too far
6. "So you play tight end?"
"Actually I'm a wide receiver"
5. Her parents must be so proud
4. The guy on the left was enjoying himself, until he became aware there was a camera on him
3. For once Shawn Michaels isn't the only sexy boy on display
2. "So you play for Orlando Magic? Well guess what I'm about to make disappear"
1. "Sorry for getting you sent off in the World Cup Wayne"